that don't impress me much

There are days in which students just do not want to cooperate. It gets pretty complicated when you teach a language and there is no way in hell the lesson can get along without saying a word. Unfortunatelly, every little prince/princess has these days from time to time, so usually one tries to be at least understanding and elicit any work at all. But hey, damn you kid, sometimes I have bad days too, ya' know?

I mean, damn it, from time to time even I am less a Wonder Woman* and more Just A Woman. Like the day fucking kid didn't want to cooperate at all. I woke up in a very bad mood. As 90% of my groupmates I am probably "a little lost" when it comes to my thesis. Also, that day I felt very homesick - yes, homesick. I am 23 yo, grown up woman, and still from time to time I feel homesick - though, on the other hand, maybe it's just my brain telling me "Hey, after all you are not THAT heartless bitch if you can feel anything at all. Take that." On the top of that my weekend plans got smashed by the wrecking ball, and there was no Miley Cyrus on that, but a bunch of books saying "Come and write with us, two projects for next week."

So all in was I was really like: fuck this, fuck that...

And then, you get the bus/sit in front of the radio console/idk open fucking teacher's books and you just adjust the mood from "I need a hug/spaceship and a pumpkin latte" to "Come on! Let's do this!" The wonders of humanity you say? NO. It's just fucking motivation shit. At the point when students just do not want to cooperate and you are all like "Damn it, I can't do it. Chirst, what the fuck am I doing anyway?", take a deep breath and a pause.

Just need take some time for oneself, go shopping [buy nothing], do some freaking exercise [like clean the whole fucking apartment]. make a freaking good tiramisu, invest in yourself, take an online writing course, take a long bath, make a quiche. Yes, motherfucking quiche and make it SO good that it's better than any food porn u've seen ever.

At precious moments like that I kinda understand how Hannibal could be such a well psychiatrist and cook as well - oh lord, there's only a few better ways of relaxation than putting your heart and hands in the kitchen (yes there's a pun of a certain nature intended). So let me just sit in front of TV, watch some stupid movie like Spaceballs and sink my lips and mind in a delicious hot pumpkin chocolate, because that's what I apparently need.


*It doesn't mean I think superheroes should be flawless, because if they were, would it make us believe in them? I guess not.

maybe it's three cups of coffee, maybe its maybelline

Lately I keep coming back home in 40 minutes. 40 fucking minutes of me left alone with a mindfuck. I know it's not any first time kind of experience, blame damn Cracovian streets, but sometimes I think too much and it is hard trying to shut up all the ideas in my head. As Winona Ryder said, "If it fucking existed I'd thought of that."

I don't wanna sound like some freaking drama queen, though, being stuck in the last bus I thought, gosh, maybe I am actually a lucky person. I mean, usually Lady Irony of Life do not touch me, rather pokes me but it's not like a slap in a face. Usually not. So, in between of one kid in a baby carriage crying and a mother trying to make him wearing a hat, I thought, "Yeah, maybe I could be wrong with my ideas, but how is that even possible when they represent what I experienced at the moment of presenting them?" I already got tired of getting angry,so I shall sum up the talk I had lately with a meme.

Another 40 minutes, somehow almost always decorated with crying babies in the background, I've spent on the thing that I guess most of my friends experience in the buses, that is thinking about stories. Maybe it's a little bit like this quote I've found on tumblr lately that the mind is addicted to telling stories. If that's the case mine should get a detox long ago.

Anyway, I got rly involved in this one particular project I am working on and~ well, let's say, the problem is not the way I imagine the ending but the way I cannot think of a continuation. Of course, my pinata brain gives me a bunch of possibilities for the themes and problems, but what with the main charas? Should I change their background or what? It's not like I cannot start writing without a cont in my mind but I wish it could cover at least one more story. (I have three covers, they deserve at least some text :P).

Food! Yes that's what gets somewhere in between all those storm of ideas. That's interesting, now when I think of it, I never thought about my charas' fav food - I mean it's not the most important thing, but, ha!

Lately I have a good flow in the kitchen. Food planning gets quite important when you don't have much time for cooking during the day :P. Therefore, from time to time, my minds is traveling over the kitchen. Sometimes I think it's the only place when you cannot allow your thoughts getting you mindfucked, because it's too easy to screw sth up then. So, when I already get to the kitchen, magic happens, hoho. Sadly, mostly the vegetarian magic, but I'm proud of my latest invention. Just look at this awesome pepper-pumpkin soup with tamagoyaki and a bread roll with shallot-garlic butter! Perfection obtained makes the mind find its ease.

wake me up cont.

This note shall come as a kind of a follow up for the previous note that I wrote here. I made this statement that all in all when it comes to writing the most important is "not to stop". But I feel I haven't give it enough attention or explanation so here comes another piece on what does it mean "not to stop writing" and why it matters.

I don't remember when the idea for creative writing circle appeared in my and my listeners collective mind. Probably from the common need to break the back of an old uncle art-block. I guess every single one of us found himself or herself in this infamous state? So you basically know what I am talking about here: blank pages, wall-stares, a deep and confusing sea of absolutely nothing. The thing we've done was to bring some change in  most obvious ways, like writing a story that would contain this and that or write a scene that may happen in such and such place. Basically, the original goal was to start writing again.

The only problem with this approach is, do we really need to start over again or is it about not to allow yourself to stop? When one is stuck in an art-block, one of the pieces of advice they may hear is to re-read what they've already written.  Personally, I always had a little problem with this idea, because it usually makes me wandering around the same blind alley but on the opposite side of the writing town. First of all, it makes me question too many things that aren't really important, like "Why did I stop?" or "Where did I stop?"  and the king of such, "Who does it make me?"

In Polish we have this very pretty word for writers that is "pisarz" or "pisarka", if it's about women. I have to say, it sounds very professional and serious. Like, when I think about who is a "pisarz" I always see big names like King or Atwood, so generally well-known people with a lot of fans and place in literary critique lectures, giving speeches at pop-culture conventions etc. The point is, I seriously cannot get myself into telling my friends or family that what I am doing in most of my time is being a "pisarz," but I am 100% sure of being a writer*. It really grind my gears when I see my creative writing circle, getting really well, doing a good job on their first steps in fan fiction, or whatever they are working on, and still saying things like "I dream about being a writer someday", because, obviously if you write, you are a writer, since that's what writers do.

I think the problem is that it takes a lot to realize this fact. And here we are back to the basic question. If you are in art block, but still you are a writer, does it mean that you have ever stopped writing? In my house there's probably still a very profound set of papers to be found that is associated with my writing. When I was in high school my school published my own poetry book. When I was in middle school my poems got published in some popular magazine for teens, well, back when it was still about something more than celebrities and fashion. When I was in primary school I was writing my own stories and even reading them to other children when it was after the classes. Heck yeah, when I was even younger I was writing my own stage plays and staging short plays for my parents with my sis (they were really written down, with pictures). So the thing is, I guess if you are very much in it, you never stop. Call it a pause or some silent days between you and your keyboard, whatever. You do not stop, because you are not physically and mentally able to do so.

And here we are - if you need some words of encouragement, I cannot think of anything better to say. Do not stop. Do not think about beginning some writing, whatever it is, a fanfic, a first attempt to write a play or a comic script, do not see it as a "start," because every start needs an end. Place it somewhere close to a ring after and intermission in the theater. It makes the whole experience much easier, and one's head much lighter of any problems with right labels.






* At least my alter-ego is

* You know, this entry got really sponsored by Alexander Castle being glad he didn't die today and new coffee. 

i need coffee, now.

I found myself getting stressed when there is too little caffeine in my blood, you know. Initially I thought, well, maybe it's about studies/work/shithesis but, nah. I'm pretty sure the problem lies in lack of caffeine.Scientifically, the most caffeine one may find in tea, but even though I drink a sea of tea daily *IT RHYMES* I feel like I lack this one, very specific type of caffeine from coffee. Everything due to the intended detox caused by our coffee getting stale. I really need to buy a new pack soon.

Lately I read that when it comes to getting ideas, having a beer is actually much better than drinking coffee. What are the chances? Does it mean I should get some lager soon? I guess it does.

Anyway, at last I've challenged myself to write a sketch for a crime story. I am so proud of myself, there is everything I wanted to contain in a quite simple way. Now I need to divide the whole into chapters and start writing. I hope I will get myself in at least a few hours of pure writing weekly - my big goal is to find at least 7h a week - I know it's no good to keep writing that strict but I have a serious organization shit going on.

Yeah, yeah, one may ask, what the hell do I spend the day on when I have only two days of studies and working in the afternoon? Well, I still do the radio hosting, even though it goes on mornings it's rather engaging. Also homeworks need someone to check them etc. On the top of that I need time to get my hands into the shithesis (I really like this word) and sometimes I just want to get an hour or two to watch my TV show or play Bioshock Infinite. 

Btw, OMG I've seen the latest DLC trailer lately and it's AWESOME. Gosh, I adore this game so much, I've already miss it, even though I've still haven't finished the gameplay.

  I guess the truth is I'm gonna miss Booker's voice the most :P.

wake me up

I wonder if there will be any good of this entry, because I have a cold and I took my medicines, a bigger dose than usual, so I feel a little high :P. Though, call it a sudden urge to write driven by idk maybe an actual need to fill a lot of documents or to concentrate on serious writing (neh, thesis shemsis). Anyway, let me tell you one thing about writing that got stuck in my mind today.

The truth is that the most important factor, and probably the hardest one to maintain, is not to start writing. It's not to stop.

We all love life-experience examples (right~) so let me use one to help me illustrate the thing. Back in my days at teachers' college I was made to write a tone of dull stuff, like diaries, documents, lesson plans, essays and so on, and so forth. After some time of course, it got less intensive, but it doesn't mean that it got less meaningful. I'm pretty sure that you know what I mean if you do any daily writing, not only the creative kind.

So the truth is, if writing continues, whatever the form is, it's still pretty addictive. Hell knows, maybe by filling another set of documents I'm gonna get one more bright idea about it? (keeps fingers crossed for the exams time, always the most creative season LOL).

On the other news, how the hell did I got cold? Maybe it's the weather, probably under 0*C at night lately; maybe it's the stress of coming back to uni; most probably it's because of teaching job; also I guess it's since we went to FMF festival and it was very cold there (and a tone of people).

At least we celebrated it with this pretty very late dinner (as a proper fannibal I appriciate a good snack as a finishing touch even more). It's zucchini tempura served with eggs and a warm dark beer w/currant jam.

i can see clearly now

One never knows how much joy seeing Virginia Evans gives unless one gives EFL classes to children and finally you get a B1 student. I have never felt so much satisfaction at just browsing through my old books from teachers' college like this one time yesterday, while planning on a course for this student. Seriously, it starts looking like a personal vendetta, but really, those are just good books. Owh Thomson & Martinet, I'm gonna get to you two as well, hohoho.

 I don't say there is anything that work in the disadvantage of young learners especially, but it's just nice to get a small talk instead of almost-a-talk. Although, I guess in order to teach kids well you need to think like a kid a little for this 1-2 hours. Like, remember that every time you get tired by some activity, the kid is already 10x more tired and probably thinking about killing you in your sleep (lol). Just be prepared at asking questions like how do you make a blue igloo or why all the people cannot speak one language. At least here linguistics comes in handy, as the best tool for flirting and feeding kids' curiosity.

Though seriously, sometimes they say things like "Mouse and cheese doesn't rhyme" and the only thing you can say is: 

Also, I wish they could pay me for the work done at home. I know it's a popular stereotype but one of the reasons I am getting like super-uber organized is that I still have a lot to do at home even if I spend only 2-3 hours daily at work :P. I come back, I need to print materials, write a weekly plan, maybe write a monthly plan (Gosh, I need to finish writing one today~... nah, do not wanna.), check the homeworks, etc, etc. 

Still it brings a little satisfaction every single fucking time a kid remembers that this is not a tee, and not a tie, but a bow-tie.  I am a hell of a teacher lol.

Well, still the thing I am the most glad about is that I got my weekly plan for Uni and it took only one group to change so I can still keep my teaching job almost unchanged. I will wait some more time and think about more students :P. Please Buddha/Allah/Takki/God/Spaghetti God/Shiva/whoever keep this awesome plan as it is so I can keep the job going.

My organization made me currently searching for some balance between hobby and all the other stuff and I am still glad I could keep my radio job too: I guess at least for this year I will have to deal with getting morning hours. Yes it was my own idea, even though I know that I am not the mot talkative person in the morning and still the listening rate in the morning cannot be high.. On the other hand, I am too addicted so I asked myself, do I really need to resign or I can get going with morning hours? So now, I am becoming a morning DJ :P.

Although, let's talk about the balance when it comes to writing. Imposibiru. I know I should be already planning my MS paper, trust me, I am [trying to do so]. Though seriously with my bday gift from my personal Will - let's say it made me dig out some old ideas. I know this was more a pun but I really though about writing criminals for more than 400 signs during creative writing hours. So now I have a plot, some charas and even covers. <3

Wish me luck and give me a kick in the ass.

a very confused pinata

I'm kind of tired today, but, since I am writing this entry like forever, I'm just gonna write whatever I feel like. And I feel like I could make my writing more systematized, after all, everything I do now is mostly organizing. I mean it, I can't imagine my life now without a big binder with tone of calendar pages to write on. I remember finding all those 'printable organizing... stuff for teachers' quite funny before, but now I need to make a point - they are saving life.

Besides, who doesn't like free printables?

Yes, the joy of teaching came with September air. I  have to say, I find it quite entertaining. Even the use of some new methods is quite... enjoyable (I mean, please, never tired of Necronomicon-kinda teachers' books). Besides, it's nice to be busy with some work AT LAST. Therefore, so far, I've managed to get as many hours as possible, because, let's get it clear:

 I hope I could keep them also next month but everything depends on school :P.

Geez, school. I STILL haven't found a right theme for my thesis. Really. I mean, I still keep to the theory according to which a writer's head is like a pinata full of ideas - so all in all it's easy to say 'I have no idea what to write about,' but in the reality it's more like 'I have too many damn ideas and I don't know what to choose.' I hope for some light in this area, but the more articles I read around the topics I'm thinking about, the more lost I get. Isn't it silly how probably the worst thing about writing a thesis isn't doing the reading or writing but actually choosing the topic?

Somehow, it makes me very confused about what to do next. I mean, fine, I am here starting with my MBs Thesis but then what? I like learning, I want to learn more, especially now when I've finally found an area(s) at which I feel sure (it's not about European studies, jfyi). The thing is, I really need work and it would be best to find a regular position. Well if it would work fine I could go to some post-graduate school and learn the things I want anyway. Though, one of my big dreams, about which I know I am capable to obtain, is to get PhD, though, I don't want to get it in ESs (because of the areas of academic interests mentioned before). So, I am rly confused, because, together with organizing craze I cannot see what will happen like even next month and planning a lot ahead kills me. 

One would say, so just let it go, but I can't stop over analyzing. Damn.

I don't even say about hobbies. I really need to get more organized with writing. It's too addicting.

the creativity monster

Should I finish a post about last anime con I've attended, I leave it for my other blog in Polish, because who would read it in any foreign lg anyway? Now there's a different thing I need to release from my mind. It seems there was no entry here for some time and it has some reasons, one of which is highly connected with creativity.

The other one can be connected with the fact our neighbors are making night parties all week so I don't sleep well and just yesterday I wouldn't sleep not only because of the noise but also of thinking what you can make out of pork.

There's quite a lot of possibilities.

Let's say it already corresponds to what I am going to write here.

Some time ago, when I was still studying English every damn time we were asked about qualities of a good student/teacher someone would say this fucking word: "creative". It's like every characteristics you already posses in life, being hard-working, resourceful, responsible or so, get's better while combined with "creative". I don't say it's bad - it's pretty amazing, I love creative people, I think of myself as a very creative person, but representations of this quality often brings one to some false, over-sparkling vision of happiness and unicorns, which is definitely not true. Moreover, it makes many amazing creative minds suffer of infinite questioning yourself and your work state when there's perfectly nothing wrong with it. It's the same process, just a little or a lot less happier version of a popular belief.

Creativity monster is just a huge lottery machine that sometimes makes you scream "bingo" and sometimes make you scream:

also in that pretty sexy manner, although, I hope you don't do that on the street.

I guess at this point you can find yourself a little confused, but let me explain this with an example. Together with my personal Will we were discussing our probable psychological or intellectual biorhythms, concerning an idea of how it feels to make things or even think on different levels of the graph. After giving it a second though I got to the conclusion that anywhere is positive, actually, if by "positive" one understands more of an  economical meaning like "giving you no loss".

So, sometimes you feel happy and you make a damn good painting. Sometimes, you feel like shit and you make a damn good painting. From time to time you may also feel like you are somewhere in between of all the states of your mind and you will still create something or rewrite some work you've done already or burn it and you still create a thing (that is ashes actually, but also some warmth and energy, if you take a science outlook).

I don't say what we usually understand as creative is always all cookies&sparkles. I mean, remind yourself of romanticists :P. My point is that, on the contrary to a popular belief it's not only black or white *don't say it comes in all shades of grey, don't say shades of gray*  Also, even I, myself, often forget that it's not some kind of a skill that we can gain with practice. Just a point on a very weird coordinate system.

am I wrong for being fine?

Lately I talked with some of my long-time-haven't-seen family members (one of the few good sides of social media). I am great at little talks so usually while being asked about how are things going and so on I answer good/very well/great. The same family members later were calling my parents while they, in comparison, were rather bragging about how bad/awful/terrible it is now. Clash.

You know, there is this saying "Do not ask a Polish how they are, otherwise they will tell you how they are really doing." And, don't mind me wrong, I know the reality and my parents' attitude to exaggerate things. Though, I still feel that being positive while everything is not going quite well is seen as rather naive.

I am not going to fool you, I am not a flawless person when it comes to perceiving the environment. I am constantly broke since left the college, well, since the crisis everyone is broke anyway, with a job that could be more engaging during summer, not ever sure if satisfied with the studies, with constant health trouble and problems fitting in the category "everyone has stuff that they are not talking about". It doesn't create the most positive image but at the same time it certainly does not intrude on my telling people "How is it going? Great."

To be honest, lately I've even doubted whether I shall continue with my Asia-concerned hobbies anymore. I am a realist when it comes to my job and I don't expect people listening to the radio while we're having a great summer time and I wish for everybody to go see some world. On the long-term matter, I don't even expect myself digging in it forever. Nevertheless, the activity during shows got slightly lower and  you never know how much pain in the ass is such a low decrease unless you find yourself with some spare time on air.

And then, in all of this very hard work occupied with a very low feedback I got some comments like "You know, lately you were talking about this and that so I tried it out and it's awesome" or "hey, I am here and there but I am listening to your show anyway, yay". Also, since I am hell of a teacher I am kind of hosting some writing sessions and people do enjoy this and even ask me whenever we can have another meeting. You see, those are rather trivial things but they instantly made me feel better about what I am doing.

So yes, it is a natural thing to brag about your life like I just did here (and you don't want to hear my inner conversations, trust me). Nonetheless, never ending complaints about life can be troublesome and I am to work very hard on reminding this to myself: be it a matter of age, experience or surroundings, I can understand them, but I wanna stay positive. I still have a good family, friends and some self-realisation going on - it's certainly not naive and enough to be well when things are going wrong. Besides, it's just a bad day, maybe two, maybe a week or year, not a bad life.
  
Well, if it goes too far I can still come back to meditations like I did yesterday - on the time of terrible heats you can only sit and think anyway. So I did and I discovered after such a long pause it's so easy to leave the body but so hard to go back :P.

Besides I found a great comic about it, hahah (personally I rather think of nothing during meditations, but that's some idea):

kinara

So I had my daily writing limit today (I guess so) but since it's a day of misogynist shit today I shall not go to bed yet.

Here's the list of things I'm tired of today: I am tired of some men still believing we are living in some kind of 18th C without women being able to go to space or being presidents. Today I've 'learnt' that the whole matter of our poor existence is look and still it's way too low in according to "high" standards of some people. I am tired of some men believing that it's them who have the right to tell things without a proper support for their words, but it's not appropriate for women to do the same.  I've also learnt that when you make something labeled "a girl thing" there are many more guys interested in this than girls and this is not even noisy, it's just weird.

I've also learnt that Moffat is a douche bag but let me introduce you to a post here for further reading.

Here I will pause my feminist rant, but only because I want to leave some for: a) my other blog and write about a movie I've watched with Otai and my personal Will last weekend, and b) writing some mysterious thesis. It's hard to write but it's still fun and brings me to the conclusion that I should finally start planning my MS paper...

Someday, someday. I still believe it's gonna be one of a few MS papers about feminism.

On the other news, I've finished my painting last week!

best way to spend the heat ever

It took me a whole afternoon to paint such a small thing but it was worth it! It looks amazing! I hope I could find a right frame for this :P. Still, ppl find it pretty so I may even did fine with this one, yay! Now I was asked to paint a nightmare stag but I still have some things to write left, so it will have to wait till at least next weekend.

On the other news, since Otai got her comic book published I bought one and I'm still excited about this.

even got an autograph, fufufu

It's pretty and I am so proud of her. I told my beautiful parents that it's some kind of romance but I don't think they found it that interesting to actually read the thing. Or maybe they did but I haven't noticed hmm. That's also a possibility.

Actually I am getting well on social interaction lately, hahah. My inner introvert still takes pleasure in spending afternoons on sole reading but I even got friendly with some fellow fannibal lately and look what she did when I told her about my cats (btw, her cat is super cute though he's like 15). Need to invite her for dinner someday.

to empower is to write

I want to say, I'm not the most artistic-crafty type of person, but every year comes the time at which I just feel a burning need to get myself dirty with paint, gum crumbs and lead. This time has come, and I have no idea what I'm doing. 

At first I thought, hey, I really like peacock feathers. We even have one in the living room (original, got from some Indonesian guys). I should draw it. I grabbed a pencil and drew it. I looked at my drawing and got an idea to make it a painting, but hell, I have no idea how to color such a feather. 

I took a photo of my drawing, put it in Fresh Paint, opened some photos of feathers and tried to full my sketch with colors.

And now I'm left with this "almost a reasonable piece of art" and that - I found some hard paper, cut it and sketched the feather:

I'm pretty sure it will be nothing like the digital idea, but do I look like I care?

I guess I will finish it off tomorrow. I need to find my water colors, and maybe change the place, since there's hardly any fresh air in this room, especially when the time of the heat wave came.

Yes, it got hot, at last! I mean, srsly, it's July, how could it even get under 10*C at night?! I know the weather tends to be a whimsical thing but for Thor's sake - I want to get tanned and a little dehydrated, dreaming of an evening gentle wind. 

Summer yeah!

Yeah! With this weather I can do whatever for the whole day. Like watching Comic Con Nerd HQ Panels. So far I've seen the one with Fillion&Tudyk team - they are both amazingly hilarious and keep getting weird funny ideas all the time. I've also started watching the one with Hiddleston (haven't finished yet) and I'm planning to watch the panel with Sherlock staff and of course Hannibal producers. I love 21. C - I can just click play and see what happened only few hours ago (or rather few days, since I guess all the vids were uploaded on 21st?). I still would appreciate some live streaming, like it was with E3, but maybe they had one and I didn't know about it. Anyway, Thor bless Nerd HQ.

The other thing that I do daily is reading, of course. Since I feel deeply involved in HeAteUs, I've started reading the Hannibal series so far and omg you don't even want to know what Harris does to my imagination! A lot, needles to say, a lot! Red Dragon was awesome, absolutely astonishing - I loved all about that book, the tempo, the characters, perspective, plot twists and playing on my feelings. Then I took a dive into Silence of The Lambs and even though I heard my friend saying that this book is rather different than the previous one I still have so much feelings about Silence than I could imagine. So far I may say, the main plot was so intense and I've enjoyed seeing Dr. Lecter as a more active character. Also, it touched me so bad I still can't process my feelings steadily :P.

This is me reading Tomas Harris

 On the other news, seems I will have to go to Cracow for some time next week but I got an offer of giving a panel about food for the nearest anime con there so I guess I will have to go there some more often soon. I liked this panel so it should be fine, though I wanted to make the text public on my radio blog, but owh well, it will wait. Still I wonder if I'm still on the flow with taking anime cons etc Whatever that means - it sounded better in my head.

So far, going back to writing and stuff.

motive!

Do you know that feeling when there is this single gif that illustrates all of your well-being at the time but you can't even find it, so it feels even more harsh? I have this one. It's a single dry bush tumbling through a desert. A single, lonely, dehydrated bush lashed by the wind. That is quite exactly how my imagination feels like when I try writing things lately and it's not fair.

Yes, indeed, I wrote an entry at my other blog about conventions etc but it's not like it was any challenge. Besides, I feel it was rather lousy but, oh hell, it's the best my brain could produce. Still when it comes to creative writing I feel at sea. Therefore, I've abandoned my summer reading list for a while and got myself armed with books about writing theory and literary criticism and I am eating them up like a one crazy scholar and doing a bunch of weird writing exercises because, well:

Actually I don't. Nevertheless, those exercises are quite helpful. So far the best one proposes creating a set of relationships, sets, objects and action and writing short scenes by mixing them up. It sounds a little crappy but it's so much fun. Really! So much fun, indeed. I feel so hipsta because all I'm talking about lately is such literary shit, but who cares. It even gets quite handy, eg when it comes to hosting a random show for 2h - apparently, my best idea lately was to talk about art blocks. And it's only because I read a book about psychology of writing the evening before.

Maybe it all would be much better if I could obtain one of the following: attend San Diego Comic Con or drink a cup of my precious coffee. Ok, it's been only one day since I am trying to avoid it, because in my theory it makes my legs and arms hurt at night, because of magnesium and stuff. I am pretty sure the level of mangesium in my blood is now like -100, since, well, I love coffee so I am the one to blame. Even though, people tell me I shouldn't care so much because I can get a drug withdrawal. At this precious moment I've remembered that the only thing I was drinking for the whole day was tea with milk (so close enough) and that I've basically spent the whole day in the kitchen... making cucumber pastry, dinner, cake and so on BUT STILL it was all close to the jars with coffee. And coffee machine. (I am afraid tomorrow I will hit the bottom and start sniffing the box with the coffee bullets for the machine)

ironically, I've just found it on my drive. What are the chances?

Thor/Allah/Buddha please make me strong so I may avoid coffee at least for the weekend. And make me strong so I can watch all those pretty vids from panels at ComicCon without feeling envious. So far I've seen this first panel of Hannibal's staff  and I felt so happy just seeing them being so passionate about this project. I mean, I know that Fuller is a total fangirl of the whole series and the books and the story and so on, but I got hyperhappy seeing the director being so much into this. It's a great work they are doing and it gets only better. So far I've seen so much love and joy between those creators and the fandom that it makes me proud of being a fannibal :P. Seriously, so much happiness in a fandom of a series about psychopathic murderers - it's as exotic as it sounds.

blood on my name

My day today is one big deja-vu because I haven't slept enough last night. It makes my thinking and work very, very slow - I suppose the language will get hurt too, but whatever.

Last week I've had my last exam and I'm still sitting here waiting for the results. I hope I will get them soon so I can go home for some time. I do want to spend some summer home, I miss my family and cats and a room dark at night ;p. Also, I miss not having the last exam on my mind - it was very hard and extensive, a lots of material to cover etc. Basically, when I firstly saw the exam paper I was like:

But, oh the hell, I wrote... something, I left maybe 2 questions almost blank (out of 12) so I strongly hope it won't be a disaster. I am crossing my fingers to get all the signatures tomorrow so I can go home on weekend.

Which means that I am very close to my summer holidays - I will finally have time for reading all the books I've collected for last months, writing all the prose and playing all the games. I've already inaugurated my precious summer by reading Steinback's Tortilla Flat till 3AM some night lately. I have to say, I wouldn't think I may find a story about bunch of paisanos hungry for wine and fun that interesting, but I do. Though, it may be just Steinback's style. Me gusta. Also, I am just analyzing which games do I want to play and I've recently tried Spicyhorse's Akaneiro - I haven't been playing online games for some time but this one is pretty cool and not very complicated (additional points as for me being deja-vu-ed for the day constantly).

Also, I started rewriting my sketches for scenarios and fiction. I have to say, they looked much more organized in my head and on paper ;p. Though, Celtx is a software of Gods. It helps a lot while constructing a story and I am always pleased when I do not have to drown in 1000s of little notes, not being able to find them later (already happened yesterday - I have never been more interested in my notes than during those several minutes of trying to find my sketch), so all I do is just sit and concentrate. And create.

Also, last week I've watched Hannibal's finale episode and I need to write some *feels*. Of course, the most of what I think about the series has been probably said by my personal Will here but I also want to add that I am not only amazed by the story construction but also by the characters, also those who do not stand in the first line. I mean: let's take the murderers. Of course there is Hani, who is all from head to toes in his little psychopathic world and it's obvious he is a killer. Sometimes you just don't know if you are scared of him because he's planning a fancy dinner party with a lot of meat or you like him because of these scenes where he is a positive protagonist. But, apart from him there are also other murderers like the angels-maker or totem pole guy - I have to say with those two I almost felt bad about them and their story made me more sad than mad because of what they did. This is weird, since I watch a lot of crime series and I am mostly like "Oh yes, just chase down this motherfucker, he should get what he deserves, what an asshole". I never had this attitude with these two murderers. Even though I really hated Jacob Hobbs for his murders I also felt some weird kind of sympathy for him. This is the strangest aspect of this whole show too - the good and evil characters are not always perceived as they should be. It makes me think, it makes it hard to sleep at night later, but that's what makes this show oh so good.

Besides the sparkling dinners of course.

za dużo pomysłów, za mało rąk do pisania

Muszę powiedzieć jedną rzecz o pisaniu - jest strasznie wredną formą sztuki, bo tak jak pisałam w poprzedniej notce, jednocześnie pozwala się odprężyć, ale też zabiera nam cenne produktywne godziny, zasypując toną roszczeń wobec tego co już powstało, albo zupełnie bez ostrzeżeń rzucając pod palce najfajniejsze pomysły do spisania. Tak też było tym razem. 

Przyjechałam sobie do domu na weekend, spokój, ciepło, fryzjer. Słowem, utopia i warunki idealne do skończenia referatu. Bum! Nie ma pisania konstruktywnych rzeczy, bo przecież mam taką fajną historię do spisania, której dwa inicjatory leżą w pudełku pod  stertą papierów. Przez to wywróciła mi się: a) koncepcja pisania referatu (w skrócie: napiszę go w dwa dni, bo tak, wena ważniejsza) b) koncepcja napisania czegoś na Nanowrimo. 

Naprawdę cieszy mnie to pisanie dla pisania przez cały miesiąc, zostałam więc z dwiema świetnymi fabułami, z których jedna kwitnie mi jak kaktus w środku listopada, a druga... musi doczekać się chociaż krótkiego opowiadania, bo za bardzo polubiłam stworzone postaci.. albo inaczej, za bardzo polubiłam koncept tego, że i tak muszą zginąć. To znaczy, nie zginą tak od razu, ale będzie ciekawie. 

Szkoda, że już muszę wracać do Krk, bo kto mi będzie grzał kolana teraz? Panda zrobił się w tym mistrzem. Na zdjęciu udając chleb...

A tak go znalazłam wieczorem...

Podsumowując, pisanie wciągnęło mnie bardzo, bardzo, więc mam nadzieję, że jednak uda mi się od niego odciągnąć na najbliższych parę dni, a tym czasem idę załamywać moim bohaterom systemy wartości. Co za zabawa!

kyun~

Mam zawias, wielki, ciemny, głęboki, listopadowy zawias. Zawieszam się na zajęciach, przed zajęciami i nawet jak mam wolne. Niestety, nie wpływa to zbyt dobrze na rozwój mojego pisania, właściwie to opowiadanie z okazji Nanowrimo stoi w miejscu i jeszcze ciągle je zmieniam, bo coś mi nie pasuje. Naprawdę, tak bardzo je lubię jak go nienawidzę, ale właściwie tak wygląda proces twórczy w 90% przypadków (tzn, tak podejrzewam) - ciągła walka między "o mój borze zielony, jakie to zajebiste," a "jak mogłam stworzyć coś tak beznadziejnego?" Najgłupsze jest to, że bardzo polubiłam postaci, które stworzyłam, a wiem, że większość nie dożyje końca - wierzcie mi, nawet mnie to nie dziwi, bo po prostu ja-tak-mam. Trzy lata pisania wypracowań na zajęciach z writingu o tym świadczą - nigdy nie napisałam tam historii o pozytywnym zakończeniu. Zawsze ktoś kogoś zabił, sam zginął, zabił kogoś a potem rzucił się z pociągu... Ach, ta straszna komórka mózgowa wspólna z Castlem.

Pocieszam się, że po tym, jak Arasz poleciła mi Zenwriter jest troszkę wygodniej - o dziwo, melodia która jest tam wgrana automatycznie najzwyczajniej pomaga się skupić. To pomaga przy pisaniu opowiadania, trochę gorzej z pisaniem referatu na uczelnię (a właściwie dwóch), co jest w sumie trochę smutne.

Tak czy inaczej, Zen jest bardzo przyjemny, więc polecam 

Radosny dzień nam nastał na mieszkaniu, dorobiłyśmy się w końcu pralki :D! Nasza lodówka David w końcu ma towarzyszkę.. Musimy mu przykleić na drzwiczkach jakieś zdjęcie pralki, albo może jakiś rysunek?

"Wiii-u, wiiuuuu, wiuu, wiuuu" ~Ling Ling

Ponadto, przez to, że złapałyśmy z Pućką fazę na serowe filmy, trafiłyśmy na Ra.One,  który, swoją drogą, okazał się naprawdę fajny. Jest się z czego pośmiać i nad czym popłakać, muzyka nie powala, ale jest przyzwoita. No, i po tym jak obejrzałyśmy to dwa razy, złapałam fazę na ten kawałek (poważnie, od godziny słucham go w kółko):

To by było na tyle. W końcu napisałam coś, bo tak! Postęp! Może to znak, że odblokował mi się w końcu writing block?

wieczorna lektura

Kiedy w końcu skończyła się sesja i wszystkie inne dziwne egzaminy moje serce ogarnęła ogólna euforia wywołana:
a) powrotem do domu;
b) (prawie)pustym kalendarzem i
c) możliwością odkopania roweru (na którym ciągle sobie nie pojeździłam)

Jest jednak jeszcze jedna rzecz, na myśl której odetchnęłam z ulgą. W końcu jestem na bieżąco z ulubionymi blogami/vlogami! Ponadto, udało mi się uzupełnić tą kolekcję o kilka nowych wartościowych tytułów~. Dlatego z pełnym samozadowoleniem każdy wieczór spędzam głównie na czytaniu i oglądaniu nowych video. Ostatnio uznałam, że większość z tych serwisów spokojnie poleciłabym znajomym, więc oto krótka prawie-że-pimp notka na temat tych stron (przepraszam, że wszystkie są po angielsku!)

The Vagenda

Przyznaję bez bicia, że trafiłam na blog czytając Wysokie Obcasy. Cokolwiek napisali o nim w tej gazecie jest absolutnie prawdą i musiało być pozytywne, bo Vagenda jest naprawdę warta poświęcenia jej kilku minut. Teksty w większości komentują artykuły w popularnych gazetach skierowanych do kobiet, są napisane z głową (i z jajem, tak jak mój ulubiony Six Reasons Why You Aren't Married [Sześć powodów, dla których nie jesteś mężatką])... cóż tu wiele mówić, fajna lektura na wieczór albo przy porannej kawie.

The f Word

Jak w podtytule, "współczesny feminizm brytyjski". Mimo wszystko teksty z blogów i magazynów zebrane na the f word są w większej części uniwersalne (no chyba, że faktycznie odnoszą się do polityki UK). Właśnie, być może to ten mix wpisów blogowych i typowo gazetowych sprawia, że ten serwis do mnie przemawia? Sama nie wiem~ może po prostu potrzebuję od czasu do czasu podkarmić swój feminizm :P.

The Hairpin

Trafiłam na The Hairpin stosunkowo niedawno, więc na początku zupełnie nie wiedziałam, czego się spodziewać. Dochodzę jednak powoli do wniosku, że strona zawiera artykuły zarówno dla starszych jak i młodszych czytelniczek. Ech, ciągle mam problem, żeby wypowiedzieć się na jej temat, przykro mi XD. Na pewno warto zaryzykować.

Thought Catalog

Cóż tu dużo mówić: kocham Thought Catalog całym sercem. Uwielbiam ich teksty, między innymi dlatego, że większość z nich skierowana jest do młodych osób ok.20-30 lat. Czytam ich od dłuższego czasu i jeszcze nie zdarzył mi się artykuł, który by mnie rozczarował swoją treścią albo poziomem. Przepadłam absolutnie po przeczytaniu tekstu Times When I Feel Polish [Momenty, w których czuję się Polką] - kto by pomyślał, że ketchup na pizzy to tak typowo polski zwyczaj?...

Be Less Crazy

Podobny problem co z The Hairpin. Be Less Crazy to całkiem nowy nabytek w mojej Google-readerowej kolekcji, więc wciąż jest w fazie testów, ale wróże mu pomyślna przyszłość. Już sama osoba autorki przyciąga uwagę, ponieważ jest ona współzałożycielką marki marki ubrań Wear The Shift, założonej z powodu, jak to ujęła "because the fashion industry pretty much sucks." [bo przemysł odzieżowy ssie] Ponadto, autorka ma bardzo lekką rękę do pisania i jest wyjątkowo zabawna w swoich przemyśleniach.

The Kidson Report

Trafiłam na tego bloga, dzięki wpisowi z The f Word - konkretnie, dzięki temu zatytułowanemu A Room of One's Own, w którym Kidson opisuje przeszkody jakie stoją aktualnie przed młodymi kobietami, które chcąc się usamodzielnić nie mają już większych możliwości na wyprowadzkę z domu rodzinnego, z powodu cięć w budżecie na housing benefits. Może nie zwróciłabym uwagi na tego bloga w ogóle, gdyby nie nagłówek wcześniej wspomnianego artykułu: "Millie ma 22 lata i studiuje Politykę i Mass Media". Chyba wychodzi na wierzch moja tendencja do faworyzowania blogów pisanych przez rówieśniczki~. Trudno.

Ten zbiór zawiera moje aktualnie ulubione serwisy/blogi, które uważam za warte przeczytania lub chociaż zasubskrybowania i zaglądania do nich raz na jakiś czas. Postaram się w przyszłości poświęcić podobną notkę na ciekawych vlogerów i vlogerki~,

azjatycki armagedon

Zazwyczaj staram się nie pisać na tym blogu o swoich japońskich zamiłowaniach, bądź co bądź mam od tego inne miejsca do wyżycia się. Jednakże, po przeczytaniu pewnego artykułu dotyczącego konwentów w Polsce doszłam do wniosku, że trzeba dać upust swojej myśli twórczej na ten temat.

Co najmniej kilka już takich tekstów czytałam i zazwyczaj macham ręką na takie wywody, ale jeszcze żaden nie wywołał u mnie takiego śmiechu - wprawdzie trochę tłumionego z wymogu na godzinę, ale zawsze. Na pierwszy plan rzuca się klasyczne podejście do sprawy: pani redaktor ma już trochę doświadczenia, wie lepiej, rozmawiała z ludźmi którzy wiedzą jeszcze lepiej, ale sama nie była na konwencie i nie zamierza być. Oczywiście nie zagraża to pojechaniu po całej społeczności mangowców, ale o tym za momencik.

Nie zamierzam tutaj dramatyzować. Rozumiem, że niektóre instytucje nie mogą mieć do niektórych rzeczy innego niż określone podejścia. Niektóre prawa po prostu istnieją w przyrodzie i musimy się z nimi pogodzić. Cała ta machina, którą nazywamy społeczeństwem nakręca się dzięki zwykłej odrobinie empatii. Jednak ta cecha wymaga poniekąd wysiłku z obu stron, dlatego też po przeczytaniu wyżej wspomnianego artykułu czuje w sobie wewnętrzną sprzeczność i to na przynajmniej kilku poziomach.

Jako osoba przebywająca wśród tych paskudnych, zboczonych mangowców przez dłuższy czas mogę powiedzieć, że wbrew tekstowi nie czuje się "uderzona w niewinność", o "stępionej wrażliwości", "okaleczona", czy też "nieodwracalnie zraniona". Nawet nigdy nie uczestniczyłam we wspomnianych "scenkach erotycznych", czego w tej chwili nawet trochę żałuję.

Generalnie podziwiam moich rodziców za stopień oswojenia się z tematem i za ogólne zaufanie. Sama siebie nie puściłabym na taką imprezę za żadne pieniądze, jednak wierzę, że wszystkie ówczesne i przyszłe dewiacje mojej osoby nie są winą tych strasznych azjatyckich dziwów. Za to współczuję wszystkim, których tekst, który tutaj wspominam naprawdę przejmie. Z doświadczenia mogę powiedzieć, że konwenty, nie są zbiorowiskiem napalonych nastolatków śpiących na karimatach z obsesją na punkcie gejowskich komiksów. To znaczy, hm, nie tylko.

Myślę, że mnie jak i wielu moich znajomych nauczyły kreatywnego wykorzystania własnych zasobów, organizacji, kreatywności, tolerancji, dużo, dużo tolerancji i generalnie jakiejś dawki przedsiębiorczości. Nawet udało nam się nie raz odpowiadać za jedną z tych "30 sal" w których nie wiadomo co się dzieje i za każdym razem, kiedy już jadę na konwent to w przekonaniu że pozostałymi dwudziestoma dziewięcioma zajmują się podobne osoby z głową na karku.

Konwent jak każda impreza rządzi się własnymi prawami. Zdarza się, że ktoś kogoś okradnie, przyłapie w dwuznacznej scence w toalecie, przeziębi sobie nerki śpiąc na podłodze albo spróbuje ci publicznie udowodnić, że nie masz racji. Tylko że jakoś od przeszło piętnastu lat nikogo to nie zraziło, więc czy warto to zmieniać? Skoro już autorka poczyniła tak wielki wysiłek względem rozgraniczenia pomiędzy stylem mangi a fanami we własnych osobach.

Autorce dziękuję za pokazanie mi, jakie rzeczy ludzie publikują w Internecie; rodzinie jeszcze raz za tolerancję, Japonii za istnienie, a sobie samej za odrobinę zdrowego rozsądku w tym pokręconym świecie.