that don't impress me much

There are days in which students just do not want to cooperate. It gets pretty complicated when you teach a language and there is no way in hell the lesson can get along without saying a word. Unfortunatelly, every little prince/princess has these days from time to time, so usually one tries to be at least understanding and elicit any work at all. But hey, damn you kid, sometimes I have bad days too, ya' know?

I mean, damn it, from time to time even I am less a Wonder Woman* and more Just A Woman. Like the day fucking kid didn't want to cooperate at all. I woke up in a very bad mood. As 90% of my groupmates I am probably "a little lost" when it comes to my thesis. Also, that day I felt very homesick - yes, homesick. I am 23 yo, grown up woman, and still from time to time I feel homesick - though, on the other hand, maybe it's just my brain telling me "Hey, after all you are not THAT heartless bitch if you can feel anything at all. Take that." On the top of that my weekend plans got smashed by the wrecking ball, and there was no Miley Cyrus on that, but a bunch of books saying "Come and write with us, two projects for next week."

So all in was I was really like: fuck this, fuck that...

And then, you get the bus/sit in front of the radio console/idk open fucking teacher's books and you just adjust the mood from "I need a hug/spaceship and a pumpkin latte" to "Come on! Let's do this!" The wonders of humanity you say? NO. It's just fucking motivation shit. At the point when students just do not want to cooperate and you are all like "Damn it, I can't do it. Chirst, what the fuck am I doing anyway?", take a deep breath and a pause.

Just need take some time for oneself, go shopping [buy nothing], do some freaking exercise [like clean the whole fucking apartment]. make a freaking good tiramisu, invest in yourself, take an online writing course, take a long bath, make a quiche. Yes, motherfucking quiche and make it SO good that it's better than any food porn u've seen ever.

At precious moments like that I kinda understand how Hannibal could be such a well psychiatrist and cook as well - oh lord, there's only a few better ways of relaxation than putting your heart and hands in the kitchen (yes there's a pun of a certain nature intended). So let me just sit in front of TV, watch some stupid movie like Spaceballs and sink my lips and mind in a delicious hot pumpkin chocolate, because that's what I apparently need.


*It doesn't mean I think superheroes should be flawless, because if they were, would it make us believe in them? I guess not.

maybe it's three cups of coffee, maybe its maybelline

Lately I keep coming back home in 40 minutes. 40 fucking minutes of me left alone with a mindfuck. I know it's not any first time kind of experience, blame damn Cracovian streets, but sometimes I think too much and it is hard trying to shut up all the ideas in my head. As Winona Ryder said, "If it fucking existed I'd thought of that."

I don't wanna sound like some freaking drama queen, though, being stuck in the last bus I thought, gosh, maybe I am actually a lucky person. I mean, usually Lady Irony of Life do not touch me, rather pokes me but it's not like a slap in a face. Usually not. So, in between of one kid in a baby carriage crying and a mother trying to make him wearing a hat, I thought, "Yeah, maybe I could be wrong with my ideas, but how is that even possible when they represent what I experienced at the moment of presenting them?" I already got tired of getting angry,so I shall sum up the talk I had lately with a meme.

Another 40 minutes, somehow almost always decorated with crying babies in the background, I've spent on the thing that I guess most of my friends experience in the buses, that is thinking about stories. Maybe it's a little bit like this quote I've found on tumblr lately that the mind is addicted to telling stories. If that's the case mine should get a detox long ago.

Anyway, I got rly involved in this one particular project I am working on and~ well, let's say, the problem is not the way I imagine the ending but the way I cannot think of a continuation. Of course, my pinata brain gives me a bunch of possibilities for the themes and problems, but what with the main charas? Should I change their background or what? It's not like I cannot start writing without a cont in my mind but I wish it could cover at least one more story. (I have three covers, they deserve at least some text :P).

Food! Yes that's what gets somewhere in between all those storm of ideas. That's interesting, now when I think of it, I never thought about my charas' fav food - I mean it's not the most important thing, but, ha!

Lately I have a good flow in the kitchen. Food planning gets quite important when you don't have much time for cooking during the day :P. Therefore, from time to time, my minds is traveling over the kitchen. Sometimes I think it's the only place when you cannot allow your thoughts getting you mindfucked, because it's too easy to screw sth up then. So, when I already get to the kitchen, magic happens, hoho. Sadly, mostly the vegetarian magic, but I'm proud of my latest invention. Just look at this awesome pepper-pumpkin soup with tamagoyaki and a bread roll with shallot-garlic butter! Perfection obtained makes the mind find its ease.

wake me up cont.

This note shall come as a kind of a follow up for the previous note that I wrote here. I made this statement that all in all when it comes to writing the most important is "not to stop". But I feel I haven't give it enough attention or explanation so here comes another piece on what does it mean "not to stop writing" and why it matters.

I don't remember when the idea for creative writing circle appeared in my and my listeners collective mind. Probably from the common need to break the back of an old uncle art-block. I guess every single one of us found himself or herself in this infamous state? So you basically know what I am talking about here: blank pages, wall-stares, a deep and confusing sea of absolutely nothing. The thing we've done was to bring some change in  most obvious ways, like writing a story that would contain this and that or write a scene that may happen in such and such place. Basically, the original goal was to start writing again.

The only problem with this approach is, do we really need to start over again or is it about not to allow yourself to stop? When one is stuck in an art-block, one of the pieces of advice they may hear is to re-read what they've already written.  Personally, I always had a little problem with this idea, because it usually makes me wandering around the same blind alley but on the opposite side of the writing town. First of all, it makes me question too many things that aren't really important, like "Why did I stop?" or "Where did I stop?"  and the king of such, "Who does it make me?"

In Polish we have this very pretty word for writers that is "pisarz" or "pisarka", if it's about women. I have to say, it sounds very professional and serious. Like, when I think about who is a "pisarz" I always see big names like King or Atwood, so generally well-known people with a lot of fans and place in literary critique lectures, giving speeches at pop-culture conventions etc. The point is, I seriously cannot get myself into telling my friends or family that what I am doing in most of my time is being a "pisarz," but I am 100% sure of being a writer*. It really grind my gears when I see my creative writing circle, getting really well, doing a good job on their first steps in fan fiction, or whatever they are working on, and still saying things like "I dream about being a writer someday", because, obviously if you write, you are a writer, since that's what writers do.

I think the problem is that it takes a lot to realize this fact. And here we are back to the basic question. If you are in art block, but still you are a writer, does it mean that you have ever stopped writing? In my house there's probably still a very profound set of papers to be found that is associated with my writing. When I was in high school my school published my own poetry book. When I was in middle school my poems got published in some popular magazine for teens, well, back when it was still about something more than celebrities and fashion. When I was in primary school I was writing my own stories and even reading them to other children when it was after the classes. Heck yeah, when I was even younger I was writing my own stage plays and staging short plays for my parents with my sis (they were really written down, with pictures). So the thing is, I guess if you are very much in it, you never stop. Call it a pause or some silent days between you and your keyboard, whatever. You do not stop, because you are not physically and mentally able to do so.

And here we are - if you need some words of encouragement, I cannot think of anything better to say. Do not stop. Do not think about beginning some writing, whatever it is, a fanfic, a first attempt to write a play or a comic script, do not see it as a "start," because every start needs an end. Place it somewhere close to a ring after and intermission in the theater. It makes the whole experience much easier, and one's head much lighter of any problems with right labels.






* At least my alter-ego is

* You know, this entry got really sponsored by Alexander Castle being glad he didn't die today and new coffee.